someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
