Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
