i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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