I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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