Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
