meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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