I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm sobbing to NWA
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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