I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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