just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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