My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
