fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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