Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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