when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are we still banned from the library?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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