The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This is my gift to your gina
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
