She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.