Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
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his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.