feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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