dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
