somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
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Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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