That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
zippers are such a cool invention
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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