So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
