i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
