So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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