Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So squirting runs in the family.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company