im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.