I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
