Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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