Just mADE A PArabola og urine
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
