i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
