The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
