I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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