i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
