Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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