i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
