I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Alive.
So much puke
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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