I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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