So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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