So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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