Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
