did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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