in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
