Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
