my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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