I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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