I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
