I am puke
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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