Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
