That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.