# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol