its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously