I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
