rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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