Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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