dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
