Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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