she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
