I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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