Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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