apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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