Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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