3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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