A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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