Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
